Yea yea, so I haven’t written in a while...what’s my excuse? Oh, you know... I’ve been doing the usual: show-stopping, keeping it real, riding Segways through downtown Chicago with my nipples showing...Oh,hey, I have a good idea...let’s be socially inappropriate and elaborate on that last one!
So, last month I went to Chicago to visit my dear friend ‘Amy Freakin’ Gomez’, and we went on a Segway tour of downtown Chicago, just like all the cool kids do. I’m not going to lie, in the back of my head, I was hoping that my Segway would really be a Transformer and I would go down in history as the girl that tore down Chicago Godzilla style...you know, if Godzilla were to wear a helmet. The day of the tour, being it July, I left A-Gomez’s house wearing a perfectly thermally-appropriate tank top. However, when we got off the train downtown, we found that the temperature had dropped like Tupac. So we went in the nearest store where I bought a sweater that looked like a wannabe “Waldo” costume. I didn’t care; I was nice and warm, but apparently stripes accentuate certain “regions” more so than my original solid shirt, so suddenly Chicago was going to get to know me a lot better than it may have bargained for. The city may have been dark and cold that day, but I was lighting the way.
Anyway, the point is....I don’t really have one. But, I did learn several lessons from what I call the “experience of riding a Segway in a helmet with your nips showing”....everyone should do it at least once. It is quite enlightening. Here is what I learned:
Lesson 1: “Do not look behind you. Do not look too far ahead...or you will eat shit”. Segways are harder than they look, mind you. You have to stay present and always, always , always keep your head up and aware of what is going on in the moment. If you look too far ahead and over-anticipate obstacles ahead, you are likely to miss what’s going on in the present and eat it. No really, you will. Someone in our party did. I’m not going to lie, it was hilarious. But it also looked painful. Don’t worry too much about what obstacles could be ahead...if they’re there, they’re there...the best you can do is keep your balance right now so you’ll be ready to hit them if and when they do come. And as far as looking behind you...do you want to die?
Lesson 2: “No matter how hard you try to speed things up, there is a speed limit”. Segways are capped out at 12mph;no matter what you do to try to go faster, 12 mph is it. I lost control of Megatron during the tour. I got cocky and wanted to go faster...up a hill. I almost ate it because the harder I pushed forward, the more I felt held back, and my balance got all wack-a-doo and I almost went down. I’m like that. I want the slow, boring ,uphill parts of life to be over faster, but what’s the rush really? Things don’t move faster just because I want them to; and when I get resistance, I just get frustrated, so I might as well just go with the flow. It all happens in divine, perfect timing, so why do I feel the need for speed all the time? Next thing I know, I could be speeding uncontrollably down-hill, reminiscing for the days when 12 mph just wasn’t fast enough...
Lesson 3: “Big Names Don’t Mean Crap”. My Segway really was named “Megatron.” There was also a Pluto, Ringo, and Piglet in our "fleet".. And you know what? Although mine tried to scare the other Transformers with its big name, it still only went 12 mph just like the rest of them. That reminds me of the time a few weeks back when I saw a big-wig neurosurgeon eating an ice cream cone, on the swings, in the park. No one really cared , at that moment, who he was or what he did. He was just another quirky guy eating a 49 cent McDonalds cone in the park with his golden retriever stalking him for crumbs. When it comes down to it, we are all just human, going through this human experience, no matter what our titles are.
Lesson 4: “Seriously, no one cares if your nipples are showing”...especially if they too are wearing a helmet. I was so conscious at first about people noticing this aspect of my, um, chilly situation. But, when it came down to it...they were also freezing, battling against the imbalances of their own Segway experience, trying to make it home before the storm, so they didn’t really give a damn. We spend so much time worrying about what other people may think...when in fact, we can’t stand to face that they really don’t care all that much. I mean really, even if people did notice, who do I think I am that they would remember even 10 minutes later? Most people are too busy worrying about themselves (and how stupid they look in a helmet). If they do, um “see through” you (if you will), if they notice too much it is just a reflection of their own insecurities, looking for weaknesses in other people to make themselves feel better. Have fun, nipples showing and all...because honestly, no one cares. And if they do, that’s their problem.
Lesson 5: “Sometimes, you just need a minute to laugh about this”...So, as I mentioned earlier, a member of our party went down...(and it was hilarious!!!) Amy and I were torn between needing to play the serious “ are you ok” card, while simultaneously feeling the need to bust our guts with laughter. So, we gave ourselves “one minute” to laugh about it non-stop while the victim was in the bathroom. Thankfully, the fallen soldier found it hilarious too, so we got to extend our “minute” to about 4 days...but nevertheless, sometimes you just need to laugh. Even if it is just for a minute....it makes all the difference. I guarantee you’ll forget that your nips are showing and that you look pretty ridiculous in a helmet.
So thats what I learned...not bad for a 90 minute tour. All in all, it was a titillating experience; we all made boobs out of ourselves, and had the breast time.
Waldo out,
Sara
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