if you really want more, then scream it out louder

Hi Friends,
    This week I reached the point where I convinced myself that I didn't want to do this blog thing anymore. I was sure that I was just coming across as a preachy young thing who was just annoying people, and therefore I probably should just save face and quit. I figured people were either a) reading and  getting annoyed by my ramblings, or b) weren't reading at all, thus making me a waste of cyberspace.  But today I went to church, and through today's sermon,that smart ass God gave me that familiar punch in the baby maker that I needed ( I love that God is such a smart ass; I knew there was a reason we should stay friends). Today's message was about putting your heart and soul into whatever you do, and doing it for the world, no matter what your ego thinks. Then I got in the car and My Chemical Romance "Sing it" was on the radio...."Sing it for the boys, sing it for the girls...Every time that you lose it sing it for the world. Sing it from the heart, Sing it till you're nuts...Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts"...Ok, I can do that; I'm particularly motivated by singing it till I'm nuts. So.. I'm not done yet. But I do sincerely apologize if I've ever come across as "preachy" in previous posts...just as a clarification, I'm never intending to preach AT anyone from a self- fabricated pedestal...no, definitely not. If I'm ever preachy, know that I'm pretty much preaching as the spirit of the person I want to be, spitting a lecture at the very human person I currently am. With that being said, this party ain't over yet.
     I have a habit of doing random math in my head as I'm driving. I'll calculate random things...how many days till my birthday? how many  units of productivity would I have to have the other 4 days of the week if I were to totally slack just one day? If I got my car in 2000, but its a 2001, how old is it today?This morning, I randomly wandered what the date would be 40 days from today. My answer was April 1...which was significant to me. April 1st is the anniversary of when I "officially" grew up, as it is the day I got the call that my mom had ruptured an aneurysm and was undergoing a series of emergent surgeries. Forty is a significant number, in multiple religions.  Throughout the religions, the number "40" usually relates to a period of waiting required before things began to happen. For example, Israel wondered in the desert 40 years, rain fell for 40 days and nights during the flood...Muhammad was 40 years old when he became an enlightened cool guy...no matter their ethnicity, babies incubate in their mommy's tummy's for 40 weeks. So I think it's pretty cool that the random wondering of my mind decided to calculate 40 days from today, and gave me a pretty personally significant answer. It's pretty perfect timing too, as this revelation came at the end of one of those weeks that left me feeling eternally behind and at a loss for how to get ahead with everything I have to do. So,  I wonder, if I make the conscious effort to put an "abundance baby" in the oven, what will it become in 40 days? What kind of cool changes could happen? April 1 is definitely the day I consider the day my old annoying perspectives were laid to rest, and my new spirit was born. So, what will be born this April 1? Going with the notion that like attracts like...if I want to attract more blessings in my life within the next 40 days (and beyond, but for the sake of experiment, I am going to test out the next 40 days), I should start with a recognition of my current blessings. If you want love, give love. Its been said that if you want more blessings to be attracted into your life, the best way is to put out the energy of prosperity, and count one's blessings. Sooo I'm going to try it...for you're viewing pleasure, I am putting in my blessing baby...heating up to 375, and hopefully watching it rise. With that being said, here is 117 things that I'm thankful for. In no particular order of importance:
1)Sunshine
2) Slurpees (particularly cherry)
3) Those random outbursts that kids say (ex: "I can't have Dr. Pepper; it's like coffee in a bottle"- E, age three)
4) ...Dr. Pepper
5) Warm weather
6) Fresh air
7) The experience of meeting people I just click with (you know, those folks that you somehow sense have the same quirky sense of humor as you without really getting to know them yet)
8) Those moments where people "above" you come across as strangely human (ex: I recently saw a well-respected cardiologist cry in church...and I also heard an administrator let one go in the stall next to me...ohh precious moments)
9) "Just right" sunburns...the kind that make you do a little "oh" when the warm water hits you in the shower, yet you still have the ability to bend your appendages relatively pain-free
10) Those good night's sleeps where you don't even roll over you sleep so hard, and you wake up feeling incredibly refreshed
11) Meaningful dreams (the kind that are so random that you are driven to look up what they mean and go "hmmmm")
12) The fact that I'm never done learning (so life will never get boring)
13) Good music (I'm a cool kid and love acoustic Sundays on 98.7)
14) Those random nights out that aren't really planned, but result in the best memories ("DUDE, I'M TRYING TO FEED YOUR POSTER, AND IT WON'T EAT!"....yea, i'm embarrassing)
15) Sand "hugs" at the beach. Maybe I'm a sensory kiddo, but there is nothing like the sensory input that one gets from laying on a blanket in the sand.
16) Lemonade (mmm....my crack)
17) The times when you happen to say the right thing to someone at the right time...or the times when someone says just what you need to hear at the right time
18) The way my relationship with my dad has softened to a more "personal" one since mom died (seriously, did we just discuss the quirks of dating while listening to Kings of Leon...how did I not know that dad was cool all these years?)
19) The fact that hard times can be turned around for good...I'm so thankful that I can now be a "go to " person for people I love who are going through loss...although I hate that they have to experience this pain, because of my experience I'm more apt to provide #17 for them
20)Very "real" conversations...topics that go beyond the BS of the day to day life
21) Angels and divine intervention
22) Good books
23) The opportunities to have fun on the job (helloooo Michael Jackson experience and random dancing outbursts)
24) The consistency found in American Eagle's pants sizes....I hate trying stuff on, and they don't make me because of this
25) Finding sweet seashells that aren't broken....and then usually throwing them back since I don't know what to do with them
26)Hats that fit right
27)Bright, colorful fabrics
28) Cool earrings that dangle but don't pull my earlobes down (that's just uncomfortable)
29) Random dolphin sightings
30) The cute look my dog gives me when he wants to snuggle
31) Phone calls from people I haven't heard from in a long time...yet the conversation goes like you just talked yesterday
32) Living close to the beach
33) My living situation (I live about 1/4 mile from the water, in a kickass hardwood floor duplex, with a landlord who takes care of my dog during the day and makes me fresh squeezed orange juice...all for $500 bucks a month RIDICULOUS!)
34)  The satisfaction acquired from eating chicken and dumplings...yuuuum.
35) Those periods where I'm hyper for no reason
36) Lemon in my ice water
37) Those mornings where I wake up with bedhead, but it somehow works
38) The feeling of freedom that comes from finally being able to forgive those I felt resentment for for so long (ex: I now officially don't care about the chicken lady, and it feeeels sooo good!)
39) Good laughs
40) Finding a church that is actually kind of fun to go to because the preacher gives me something to aspire to in the realm of sarcasm...I don't get "preached at", but I get a good message because I hang on to his every sarcastic word. FUMC St Pete is where its at!
41) The job satisfaction I get from those times I am able to successfully help alleviate someone's pain (I heart my non-pharm pain orders)
42) The sense of peace/communion for the day ahead that I get from my set-aside moments of AM meditation/ prayer...I recently started this, and now I'm addicted. I'm not very good at "zen", as I have self-diagnosed ADHD, but just setting aside time to ask for help for the day ahead tends to make things go so much smoother
43) yogurt parfaits....heaven in a plastic tin
44) Off-the-chain HUGE strawberries
45) A good piece of watermelon that is sweet, but not grainy
46) The way my dog smiles and looks at me like I'm the shit
47) The feeling of rolling with my homies with the windows down and good music going
48) World of Beer. Period. Its close to my house , its nice and chill, its kosher to wear converses, and the bartenders, for the most part, coincide with #86
49) Moments of pure, simple contentment
50) The ocean
51) A solid satisfactory MJ Experience Dance session (you can't help but feel pretty good after your dance moves are validated with 4/5 stars)
52) Awkward moments that are entertaining ( for example: I originally hand-wrote this list at the beach. I took a break to go get a big hit of #16 from the snack bar. Since it was the beach I went barefoot in a bikini....only to be in line beside a group of Pentecosts in long denim skirts....awkward)
53) Quiet observations of people when they don't realize they're being observed (but not in a crazy stalker way...open environments only. Example: I just witnessed my roommate talking to her food, and it was so entertaining "Ima gonna eat you French fryyy.... and now you're dead")
54) Cute flip flops
55) Finding a bathing suit I like in my size (its hard when your sacrum is the size of a piece of peanut brittle)
56) Going barefoot
57)The excitement that comes from the  moment that comes when inspiration hits for a "gotta do it" project
58)  When creative ideas come to fruition successfully (ex:

59) Good pickles....mmmm Boar's head
60) Random string cheese facts (the average life span of a dragon fly is 24 hours)
61) Kickass sunrises....and when I wake up in time to see them
62) Horses and the opportunities to ride them
63) The feeling that hits from being in Ben Hill Griffin Stadium....whether we are having a sucky or awesome season, you walk in that place and you feel like the best, no matter what
64) The view from the Skyway (I live in a ridiculously beautiful place)
65) Madras plaid
66) When you walk into someone's house and their distinct "house smell" is very refreshing
67) The feeling after a good sneeze....particularly when you've been feeling the need to sneeze and when it finally comes....WHEW!
68) When things just work out in perfect timing
69) Having fresh wild flowers in my room...well I'm sure they were wild at one point, simply domesticated by Publix
70) Pretzels dipped in mustard....well let's just make this line MUSTARD in general
71) The time of year when azaleas are in bloom...pretty
72) Sunflowers
73) Seeing people put their heart and soul into their creative talent, and inspiring others in the process (im thinking of the drummer who rocks out every Sunday at church, and the kid in the front row who just stares the whole time, rocking out along with his air drums. I guess with these observations, I'm going back to #53)
74) Those times when I have to increase the weight I'm lifting... its always nice to be stronger than you initially think you are
75) New adventures (ghost tours, jet skis....ahhh the bucket list)
76) Swimming pools....particularly heated ones
77) Random surprises (seriously, who can have a bad day at work after walking in to find a random Chia pet on your desk?)
78) Unexpected emails/facebook messages from my favorite people
79) Crazy print undies....hey, even if its a serious day, I know that there's always a party going on in my pants...right now its a gumball machine party
80) Those times when I say something sarcastic or random to a stranger, and the stranger actually gets it and laughs (no crickets? holy crap!)
81) Those times when I overhear a stranger saying something outlandishly sarcastic or random....ahhh, its good to know I'm not the only one that enjoys #80
82) Aviators are back in style...woo hoo! But i'll still wear them when they're not, because I heart them
83) Fresh squeezed, pulp free OJ
84) the exhilaration of "going down" and making it out alive (ex: roller coasters, down hill sledding...the times when we used to roll our Radio Flyer down the steep heel and make the crazy turns)...perhaps I should try sky diving
85) When the "you saved ____ amount" portion of my Publix receipt is impressive. Usually this just means that I am being validated for buying too much in the food department, but whatever...
86) Guys who don't shave their arms and leave a little hair on the chest ...and some shadow on the face...mmmhmmm.(maybe its the monkey in me that stems from my Cave-man ish 6th vertebrae....but I find it refreshing that all the guys in the world aren't so vain and gay that they shave their manliness away. Disclaimer- this statement doesn't make me like a French woman...this is not applicable to women for me. Women are supposed to be smooth)
87) I am thankful for whoever is still reading this. Thanks for caring about me...how are you?
88) When people answer "how are you" in a way other than the BS filled "fine"...Anything real is preferable "I'm here"..."tired" "gay" "fabulous" "Pretty darn good"....i love anything besides "fine", unless you really are feeeling fiiiine. I want to learn better ways to honestly answer this question myself
89) The feeling of excitement that comes with upcoming days off or vacations
90) Rainbows
91) The experience I had of my mom's spirit "waking me up" at 2 am to let me know she was going to heaven...not many people get to wave their moms into heaven. I did. It changed my life.
92) The excitement that comes with closed doors leading to others opening...and always for the better. This life unfolding thing is kind of exciting, especially the really good parts
93) Cool concepts of opposites and paradox. For example, there would be no concept of "important" without the concept of "unimportant". So the important people need me....my unimportance makes them who they are. Where would they be without me? How could there be pretty people without the ugly people to make them pretty?
94) Those times the golfer's golfing at the Vinoy (which is my backyard, which brings me back to #33) yell random things when they don't know anyone is around to hear. I just heard an 80 year old man yell the F-bomb, and it was funny
95) The user-friendliness of my new MAC. And the fact that it won't let me log on to do work notes from home. Thanks for the forced work/home life separation....I needed that.
96) Red wagons. Particularly Radio Flyers. I just like them.
97) Those times when it is the end of the day and you just don't have much energy left for people, but there's one more patient that you "should " see...so you force yourself to go check on them, but they are out for another procedure....validated raincheck woo hooo!
98) The freedom that comes with surrender...I officially stop trying to plan my life and its much more entertaining.
99) My self's willingness to pursue change for the better (even if it makes me seem wackadoo to some of you)
100) Music with badass solos...the kind that make you pause, stare at the guitarist/pianist/violinist...(whatever) totally rocking it out...driving you to fist pump and go "yeaaaa" on their behalf
101) That moment of pure contentment when you wake up waaay before your alarm and realize you have forever more to sleep
102) A good solid back stretch
103) Random validating touches from friends or even strangers (of the appropriate kind. ex: shoulder touch, high five, arm touch...unless youre not bad looking and go with #86....then you can totally touch my cute underwear found in #79 ....juuuuust kidding)
104) Back rubs...even if I have to make my own on a vertical surface. Maybe its the Jungle Book in me, but I secretly get low on the corner of my cubicle, because it feels good on my spine...just like a bear rubbing against a tree
105) The excitement that I get from planning a perfect surprise or gift for another person that I know they'll be thrilled to receive
106) Roasted corn
107) Water slides that are adult-legal
108) Ink pens with good flow
109) The sense of serenity that comes with floating down a river in a tube
110) Happy hour and the clientele that attend them (the 7-10 gang tends to be the chill crowd just unwinding...which are more my folk. Not so much the tail-chasing Guido clientele)
111) When I step in the ocean and its warmer than I anticipated (but not pee warm)
112) I just closed my eye halfway and the squiggly line thing I saw in my eye was shaped like a dolphin.
113) Big banyan trees...the kind that you walk by and think 'Heeeey , thanks for all the free clean O2 dude'...or maybe I just do that
114) The feeling of clean teeth that comes post-dentist visit. And knowing that I won't have to be back for 6 months....giggity
115) During random drug tests at work, the feeling of successfully peeing (I get stage fright, my initial hiring process took 2 hours because I couldn't go...oohhh look how i've gone, i mean grown....oh,groan.)
116) When black ladies call me "little momma"....it makes me feel cool
117) Life and the chance to truly live it (thanks for the invaluable lesson Ma!)


So let's see how this goes....for the next 40 days I'm going to focus not on what I lack, but on what I have. Let's see what happens and I'll keep you posted. Either way, making that list uplifted me in its own right, I highly recommend it! If I want more, I'm gonna scream thanks out louder, push it to the limit give you moooore (sorry random Usher song input).

Singing it till I'm nuts with all my love,
Your loving 6th vertebraed cavewoman

Do you have a broken leg? Because I have a crutch on you!

     Happy Valentine’s Day love buttons! I was just face spacing, and am quite impressed with the nice mix of bitter vs sappy facebook statuses this year; it’s quite the nice mix. It very well could have something to do with the stage of life my peers and I are in now, but there seems to be a significant downgrade in the amount of “suck it cupid” commentary amongst everyone these days. I guess the evolution of one’s feelings towards Valentine’s day is similar to the evolution of one’s feelings towards the lunchbox. You start out thinking they’re pretty cool, then go through a stage where they are the stupidest thing ever and you’d rather die than be weighed down with one, then eventually, when you’re fully matured, find yourself carrying one again and actually kind of liking it. Same goes with the Valentines. Ahhh, the circle of life. (Lion King reference yields -20 cool points. I’m in an official cool point deficit).
     I personally put the anti-Valentiners in the same category as the Emos. They try so damn hard to go against the grain, yet by doing so they inadvertently acknowledge the existence of the grain even more so than the people who just go with it. (This could also explain the apparent plethra of splinters up their asses). People... the cashier at the liquor store doesn’t care if you’re buying that bottle of wine to get it on or to drink with your girls status post Sex and the City watching to go “awwwwwwwwww” to the “who needs a man when you have your girls!” toast. Nope, doesn’t matter to Mr Cashier man; either way, you’re spending $4.99 (I know, I’m classy)...and either way, he’s still counting down the hours till the time he gets to go home and play video games...and Hallmark still makes a killing. Thus, you really didnt make a good point to anyone with your extreme effort to un-celebrate this day of love.
I fully agree that Valentine’s day is an ingenious marketing ploy on the part of the chocolate and card companies...but I don’t think any individual’s dedication to make this day all about their personal lonesome misery is going to change that. And I mean honestly, is the holiday really all that bad? Millions of dollars are spent to celebrate love. It really could be so much worse. We could be celebrating things much more detrimental like mayonnaise, or raw tomatoes (ick), or the end of the world (by the way, I just found out that ,per Christian extremists, Judgement Day will fall on my birthday this year.... what does one wear to their 26th birthday/the Rapture?) But no, we don’t celebrate these things; we celebrate love.
    Most people interpret this day as an opportunity/obligation to wow their significant other and score brownie points, which I can admit gets over the top (I have to admit, some of the extremely sappy posts made me roll my eyes). Other people rebel and rationalize that they don’t have to do shit because every day should be like Valentine’s day. Which is a nice thought...but truthfully the same people that make the effort to say that out loud are also usually the same people who treat the people closest to them like shit 365 days of the year...ohh the irony. Others look at the day as the world’s ploy to target them individually to make them feel lonely. Then there’s those who take it over the top and look at this day as the maker or breaker of their relationship’s future. Everyone’s gone maaaad!
I love awkward moments...I create them on an everyday basis so I’ve learned to just embrace them. What I love most about this holiday is the fact that I seem to make people uncomfortable. People just aren’t ok with the single girl who is neither a) anti-Valentines, looking to bust Cupid’s nuts with a 2x4 or pint of icecream or b) so pro-Valentines that she perseverates 364 days of the year on finding one in prep for the next year’s V-day. I’m neither passionately for nor against this holiday...I think people get over the top on both ends of it. But if I had to pick sides, I’d say I’m for it ...I mean, its a day dedicated to love. How can one hate that, unless one is so miserable in their own existence that they can’t stand to see other people happy? (and that sounds like a personal problem). I have to admit, it is pretty cool to watch a shitshow dedicated entirely to love...for one day at least, people kind of seem to like each other, or at least pretend to and are at least nice to one another.
So, in today’s grand total...as a by-product of other people’s discomfort with a single girl on V-Day, I got...3 offers to be “matched up” (someone please tell me the social etiquette for politely declining a date with a coworker’s family member), an offer to be wed to an 8 year old, and a bag of cashews ( a gift from my brother). I do appreciate the offers, but what the world doesn’t get is that I feel more loved, and am more loving, than I’ve ever felt before in my life. Today I didn’t go on a hot date with some rich skeez who bought be a Coach purse in hopes to get me in the sack circa 2006. I didn’t get together with my girlfriends and eat ice cream whilst drowning in my sorrows. I didn’t sit alone, curled up in a ball in my closet, rocking back and forth whilst stuffing my face with Dorito therapy. What I did: I treated myself to some kickass Chik-Fil-A methodone ( I mean lemonade, sorry, get them confused, as that lemonade is my crack), bought my 86 year old landlady some flowers and made her some strawberries dipped in chocolate whilst rocking out to Maroon 5 in my kitchen. ...and you know what? It was one of the best Valentine’s days I’ve ever had. True joy is found in having lemonade running through your veins whilst watching a lonely old lady cry out of happiness, just because someone thought to make her some damn strawberries on Valentine’s Day . Geesh, it was the least I could do for her; that lady spoils me each and every day.
So, rather than V-day bashing, I celebrated love, so I gave love, and got love in return. There’s that circle of life thing again. Someone please explain to me how eating a pint of ice cream and having man-hating sessions with your girl friends accomplishes the same thing. So, total cheeseball moment, but this Valentine’s day, I decided to make the world my valentine...there’s no rulebook that says you have to make just one special person your Valentine. I didn’t go around giving hugs and chocolate, but I did make a conscious effort to be grateful for the good in my life. In turn, I felt such an overflowing feeling of warm-fuzziness that I was more loving and open to those around me, and thus attracted more loving interactions throughout the day. Pretttty cool turnaround I must say. So, my new philosophy....when feeling down in the dumps, do something for someone sorrier than yourself...then come back and try to massage you’re lonely ego afterwards. I betcha it’ll be harder status post nice deed. I’d even venture to say that you feel so good about yourself for what you did, that you become a big ball of sunshine and thus become more attractive to the world...who knows , you might even catch yourself a Valentine for 2012 (assuming the world doesn’t end before then on my birthday). Until next time, like it or not, I looooooove you on this beautiful Valentine’s Day!
Love always,
Sara

PS- The author would like to dedicate this post to grilled-cheese-lunch inspiration provided by the FUNNEST star trooper Jedi (sorry, couldn’t resist one last funnest)... To many more grilled cheese conversations...(or at least until one of us makes our millions and can drop back to part time)...

Giddy'n on up with my bad 6-vertebraed self

     It's Superbowl Sunday and it's raining out...which means I can't play outside, which means I really don't have very much of an excuse not to study for the NICU test I have to take this Tuesday. However, I really really reaaaalllly don't want to. At this point, I have approximately 4 hours until the universal "all clear" to attack my body with buffalo wings, pizza,Doritos...(and while I'm at it might as well go balls deep and spring for some Mickey D's fries..mmmm, my lovely evil vice....oh how my affinity for you is supersized...like a bad relationship, I always wanna throw up after I'm done but it usually is always worth the experience). Now I'm doing what all the cool kids do to pass the time/ procrastinate...I write a little sumptin sumptin.

     So yesterday, after 12 plus years away from it, I got back in the saddle...literally...and rode a horse...it was the best random thing I've done for myself in a long time.  I used to take riding lessons, and deep down I really enjoyed it. I loved it as something fun to do, but when you're a kid and don't suck at something, there's a lot of pressure from the adult world to take it to the competitive level, and I just wasn't into that.  I wanted to jump over hurdles to prove to myself that I could do it and to enjoy the adrenaline rush that comes from the "ohhhh crap" moment that can only be achieved when at the peak of a hurdle right before going doooown dooown doowwwn. I wasn't in it to prove to some pompous judges that I could jump over hurdles higher or faster than the other kids.  Looking back now, I kind of see where my coaches were coming from. I guess if I put long hours into helping someone out, I'd kind of want them to flaunt their new skills to the world too...oh well, I didn't get that and at the time it was just plain obnoxious to me, so I ended up quitting. But now that I'm an adult, and life for the 18+ is known to be more "stressful", I find that people are much more open to letting you do something just for fun. And, if someone tries to feel you out for your willingness to get serious about things, you can always curtail their efforts with a "welllll, with work and everything, life is stressful enough, so this is more just therapeutic for me..." People aren't really willing to argue with you when you pass something off as self-improvement therapy...it's awesome.
    Anyway,  I've had the riding itch for about two months now, but never did anything about it. I guess that seed was planted in my head for a reason, because through a series of random "coincidences" (someone much smarter than myself once told me that 'coincidences' are what happen for you when you co-incide yourself with God...ha...i get it)... I suddenly found myself with a hot 8am riding date this Saturday with the handsome Dandy Starbuck.
    A word about Mr. Starbuck. He's an asshole. Yup, that pretty much sums it up. Little a-hole successfully bucked me off once, made a thousand more attempts to do it again, and bit me twice....with a thousand more attempts in that department as well. Thanks to him, I now have a sore lower back, throbbing inner thighs, three bruises on my left leg (secondary to a landing that was only semi-graceful whilst falling off), and glutes that want to kill me until I'm dead.
     God I love that little SOB. He reminds me a lot of myself.
    Starbuck and I's relationship got off to a rocky start, and it was my fault. When I was asked by the barn's owner if I would be up for a "small challenge", I responded with "a small one....I guess." But as I watched Starbuck being led from his stall, resisting being led by bucking backwards and giving a resistive 'hell no I'm not being ridden this early before breakfast' whinny, I muttered a series of PG-13 expletives and considered high-tailing it back to my car before I acquired a brain injury. Small challenge my ass. But, my pride got in the way and I decided to take the risk and see where the morning took me.
    Based off my first impression, I saw Starbuck as a naughty kid that needed to be put in his place right away. So I climbed on the saddle and made my first mistake; immediately after mounting I pulled back on the reins to make sure that he knew I was in charge.  I don't know why I did that...Riding 101: you don't pull on the reins if the horse isn't doing anything wrong. Starbuck was standing perfectly still and I had to go in as the bully who demanded he respect my authority before he even had the chance to show me whether or not he was planning on it anyway.  With that move, I went from the new girl who might be a semi-pleasant load to carry (compared to his previous rider who was borderline obese) to 107 pounds of just plain totally screwed. Because, with that move, I am certain that I made Starbuck's defenses go up and he, from that point on, felt the need to show me what he was working with, and not in a good way. We were now in an official/unofficial battle of wills.
Our first battle happened when I tried to guide Starbuck to turn left to go into the woods. Well, little mister wanted to go right, because that would lead full circle back to the barn where his breakfast was and where I would potentially get off his back and out of his life. ( I also found out later on that he had a bad experience with getting attacked by wasps on the particular left-sided path I was trying to lead him, thus rendering him like Zoolander and unable to turn left).
     He resisted my initially polite request to turn left by backing me into a sawgrass palmetto while blatantly ignoring me and turning a solid right. That pissed me off, so I kicked it up a notch with not so subtle pelvic tilt AND a smart little tuck of the reins , which initiated bite #1. I tried again a little harder and that little f'er tried to buck me off. That really just pissed me off because I felt he was taking advantage of me, so after several more attempts, I smacked his ass with the reins to remind him that he wasn't the king of anything.  After that "harsh"reminder of who's in charge, he went left for me...and all was well for about 5 more minutes.
    After our initial battle of wills, I was still holding a bit of a grudge and holding the reins a bit on the tight side. I was afraid if I let up at all that Bucky boy would take advantage of my trust and throw me off. So I didn't let up...which ended up biting me in the ass. Eventually he got tired of having someone so uptight on his backside, so he did what any self-respecting horse would do to get rid of the a-hole on their back...he tried bucking me off. He was successful once, but that was more because I lost my footing like an a-hole and didn't feel like awkwardly hanging on during the chaos so I gave in and slid off the side. I got back on and decided I would do an experiment and see how homeboy would react if I loosened up my hold a bit...after all, what was the worst that could happen at that point, I fall off?
     After I showed Starbuck that I had his best interests in mind and really was just trying to gently guide him in the right direction if he'd let me, our ride became a pleasant experience. We still would have our episodes when trying to turn left, but the battles became fewer and shorter as Starbuck realized that all I wanted to do was to get him to go a different way, and I found myself not having to be such a hardass on the reins..nor did I end up in the bushes.
     By the end of the ride, I ended up liking Starbuck. He reminds me a lot of myself...we could be soulmates.
     Sometimes the powers at be (whom I personally call God) try to correct me, similar to how I tried to correct Starbuck.  I'm an independent person, so sometimes its hard for me to accept or listen to correction, especially when I feel like I didn't do anything wrong to deserve correction in the first place. So, when I refuse to listen, God has to realllly discipline me, which often puts me in an angry uproar, feeling bitter that God is riding my back and keeping such a tight hold on me. Sometimes it even feels like I'm getting a real beating and my ass is being smacked with the rope . Granted, He kind of has to discipline me this way so I don't go crazy and all down the wrong path, but it still pisses me off when it's happening. Those are the times when I feel sorry for myself and question "why can't anything just go right!???"
    Like I initially did to Starbuck, sometimes God has to make a "big play" to show us that He is in control. It sucks, because often these are the times when we're aren't doing anything wrong, so we reallllly resist any guidance or discipline. Sometimes we get so pissed we try to buck off the Guide.  But, I have to admit, in my own life, those times when "nothing's wrong" are also the times when I'm most prone to ignore God. I have a bad habit of only going to God with a "wish list", especially when things are bad...when things are honky dorey I am not consistent with a good old fashioned prayer that goes "heyyy buddy, what's up? Thanks for, you know, that whole creation thing, and for making my life easy right now. You rock." I think maybe its a human thing, and God knows this, so sometimes bad things happen to get us to revamp our spiritual life and bring us back to Him. I don't think bad things happen to us as a punishment, but you have to admit, it is a pretty good tactic for God to demonstrate His power and ability to bring us through even the shittiest life paths (some of which even require left turns), as long as we trust Him. I know it worked for me. It's usually when we are down in the lowest point of the trenches that we eventually look up for help.   I find that, as I give in and acknowledge that God is the knowledgeable rider who will guide me in the right direction for my overall good, I don't battle life's directions so much.  As that happens, I demonstrate that I don't require frequent discipline to stay on the right path, and everything seems to go a little easier.
    For example, in the past, if I was in a relationship that ended, I would perseverate on what went wrong and what I could do to get things right again. I would argue with what was an obvious dead end, and try to figure out how to turn around to go back to the miserable trail I just came down. But, that kind of resistance only got me frustrated with myself and with my life. Now, when a path is obviously not right for me, I go with the flow and find myself even excited about what better things await me down the road. After all, God has proven to me that resistance in the past has only postponed the arrival of things  He has planned that are even cooler. So now I'm learning to cut myself a break and start to listen to God's more subtle nudges, and the drama has gone way down as I don't require such dramatic discipline sessions to be reminded that I'm not the know-it-all of my life.  With this new outlook, I am much happier and even pretty stoked that I'm not in charge. This life trail thing is hard enough as it is without trying to be in total control. Even if a path I find myself on is a little scary, I can trust that I won't be brought to it if I won't be brought through it...I might get a few wasp stings in the process but I know, now from experience, that I can be sure the experience will teach me something cool as long as I'm open to the lesson. And , in the end, the ride will be much more fulfilling with some sweet-treats at the end.
    So good old Starbuck...I get exactly where he was coming from. Poor kid didn't like being controlled, but once he gave into the fact that he didn't know the overall plan like I did,  he allowed himself to be guided, which in turn allowed me to loosen up my grip on him....making for a more fun filled ride for the both of us.  I think I might go back and ride him again next weekend...I don't want him to think that I gave up on him for being a naughty boy in the beginning. I respect him all the more for that...he was much bigger, stronger, and tougher than I but wasn't above a little gentle guidance from above. We have a lot in common, he and I, including that we both have six lumbar vertebrae....(yes I'm a dork and googled how many lumbar vertebrae horses have to determine if I really do have all this in common with homeboy)....giddy up.
Happy trails love buttons,
Sara





  
  
  
    

Gettin' on down with my bad extra vertebrae'd self

As mentioned in a previous post, I usually wait to write these doo-hickies until I notice a clear running theme of my week...after I notice a theme, I LOL at God’s sense of humor, take the hint, and sit down and expel creative vomit (aka these blogs). Usually the process takes about 7-8 days between writings...but this week’s theme is so freaking obvious that I can’t help but pop out a preemie on this lovely Tuesday, with the last writing being on Thursday. 

So, I can’t believe I’m saying this....but I’ve been a dancing machine lately. I’m not good at it by any means, but man...I can’t stop till I get enough these days. 

A little background info...I don’t dance in public. In fact, with the exception of a few hellish preschool-age years where my mom enrolled me in dance lessons to teach me “social skills”, I have managed to make it almost 26 years without hardly ever dancing (soberly) in public. I don’t know what it is, but I just can’t let loose and let my body feel the rhythm of the night...in public anyway. In the privacy of my own shower, living room, and kitchen is another story. Cooking is essentially a dance party of one (two if you count my dog). But never have I hardly ever busted a move for public viewing....until, well, yesterday....twice. And again today....twice.  I’m talking full blown, front and center, everyone looking at me (and laughing)...until they eventually join in to be my back up dancers. I can’t help but compare the ridiculousity of myself over the past few days to the image of me as a 4- year old at a dance recital, looking pissed off to be stuck wearing a Minnie Mouse costume, standing in the back (so no one could see me) flailing my stupid white gloves like I have Turrets. All the other girls were so smiley and energetic, and there I was... the Grinch in the back who ate Mickey. My photos from that dance recital look nothing short of a pre-K mug shot. 

The thing that has always kept me from shaking what my momma gave me in public has been the fear of how I look to other people. I don’t feel very coordinated and have a hard time getting my hips to disassociate from my trunk and my trunk to disassociate from my shoulders...I feel like I have the grace of Buzz Lightyear when it comes to dancing. So, I don’t do it, because, what if i look stupid? What if I’m not as good as the person next to me? How embarrassing!

  Now...the good news and bad rolled into one. My “give a damn” is officially busted. I no longer really care what people think of me on a superficial level. If someone is going to judge me for something as shallow as looking like a Hobbit when I dance, they aren’t really a priority in my world. There was something magical that happened to me in 2009. I was ( in a weird way) blessed with such a heavy emotional load to carry, that, now, after that load has been lifted from me, I feel so incredibly light that I can’t help but develop the twinkle toes. 

I remember when my dad called me on April 1 to tell me that my mom had had an aneurysm. As soon as he mentioned that pastoral care was meeting him in the parking lot to escort him into the hospital, I knew what that meant..so I puked and started pleading to God “I can’t do this...please, I can’t do this. There’s no way I can handle this ...It’s too much.” Well , guess what....two years later, I did handle it, and, as a result, my perceptions have been “fixed” to the point where I feel so light and free that I just dannnnnnce, its gonna be ok...do da doo, just daaance. As long as no one’s dying, its dancing weather!

So, over the past few days...I appear to have, how do they say... busted it wide open. It all started with Michael Jackson. A coworker enlightened me to how this Wii “Michael Jackson Experience” is the best game evvvver. So, I bought it, and quickly became addicted. Then, at work, I found myself with this patient who was totally faking her lower extremity weakness and pain...I knew she was faking because I saw her bear full weight on her lower extremities so many times when she thought I wasn’t watching that I had had it. So I decided that it was time for the ultimate trick ...it was prime time for Michael. So, I brought it in to work (not sure of the legality of bringing in a Michael Jackson game to a children’s hospital , but whatever).  Side note: just to justify my statement that my give-a-damn is shot, I found myself sharing to the physicians that I was planning on doing MJ with this patient....only to find myself face to face with blank confused stares ,crickets, and awkward silences from the big dogs who write the orders that justify my job...oopsy.  Maybe I should take my brain-mouth censor into the shop . 

Later on that day, I was up for a little company during my cardio, so for some oddball reason I opted to try my first ever Zumba class at the gym. I strategically placed myself in the very back of the class with the fatties and other newbies who don’t know what they’re doing. Well, at one point, there was a particular segment to a particular song that involved everyone doing long jumps as quickly as they could to the front of the class so they can gliiiiide on back to the back. Somehow, I got a little over zealous with my jumping forward, and found myself in the front row....only to have the instructor grab me to  “partner  up” with me, thus  putting myself front and center of the entire group of 25+ people...eeek! But, I decided to just go with it...it didn’t matter if I was good at the stupid dances or not...the worst that could happen was that someone in the class felt better about themselves by watching me break it down, or at least got a good laugh out of it. I looked like a fool but I had a blast. At one point, I LOL’d at myself in the mirror during this move where you were supposed to look all sexy and touch yourself from head to hips, and I just looked like I was doing head, shoulders, knees and toes. But, rather than beat myself up over the fact that I couldn’t make my body parts move in Part 1, Part 2, and the sequel like the black lady front row who could separate the wiggle of each ass cheek, I decided to cut myself a break and just get on down with my bad self. And, I know I wasn’t “chosen” to stay up front because of any skill...at the end of the class the instructor said “not bad for your first time”....which was a compliment, except that I had never mentioned that it was my first time. Obviously she could tell.

As my third dancing experience , today, I gave into one of my vices (Mickey D’s french fries) after a long day. Whilst waiting in the drive-thru I was shaking my groove thing , not realizing that the cashier had suddenly appeared at the window...until I heard “get it giiirl”....

Then, as the final confirmation that perhaps dancing is the theme of the week...I caught myself dancing this evening whilst walking my dog. Then I realized, I always do this. I don’t just walk my dog...I walk it out with my dog. I try to keep it low-key so its not quite obvious to the naked eye. I try to meet my dancing needs with a simple forearm pronation/supination action to the beat, or a wide-based gait followed by a quick step, or maybe a little shoulder shimmy if I can handle it. I can’t help it, sometimes Timbaland just effects me to the bones...I just can't help myself! It makes the chore of walking the dog fun...although potentially embarrassing. One of the residents at the hospital introduced himself in the elevator by saying “I see you walking your dog all the time along Coffee Pot....” Now, the average chick would hope that she wasn’t (or was, depending on who she is) wearing her booty shorts or that her hair was a mess when her colleague spotted her from afar. But no, not I...my questions to myself were

1. was I doing a ridiculous dance move?
2. was my dog humping anything?
3. was I wearing my space camp shirt?

The thing is, once I realized that life is better enjoyed as a light-hearted fare, things got a little more fun. Once I stopped worrying so much about what other people thought and granted myself the freedom to enjoy myself, my life has become 100000% more enjoyable.  And the ironic thing is, I’ve found that rather than being turned off by the spaz, a lot of people seem to look at you enjoying yourself, and in turn get inspired to lighten up and allow themselves to just enjoy themselves too...and fun-loving people make hella good back up dancers. So, the people I was afraid of end up being the ones saying “get it giiiirl”...weiiiiiird. 

Granted, there’s a time and a place for seriousness. But, in the neutral times, why do we have weigh ourselves down with needless worry and fear about what other people might think? Instead,  why can’t we cut ourselves some slack and enjoy the beat of all the good music around us?  Juuust saying.

My ultimate goal is to be one of those people who can be loving to everyone they meet. But, I’ve found I can’t give away something that I don’t even give myself. So, I’ve decided that I love myself enough to cut myself some slack and give myself the freedom to wiggle wiggle just a little bit when I want to....despite the awkward looks I might get from time to time. In turn, I’ll be better equipped to cut other people some slack and give them the love they might need to get to a better place.

Random side note alert- I learned something about myself last week at a course I had to go to. I learned that I have an extra 6th lumbar vertebrae.(For my science nerd friends, I am now accepting bids on who gets to dissect my body after I die to check out my nerve innervation. Rules are you have to pay in advance ...I’ll come find you when I’m dead to let you know its time to cash in). Anyway, I had to google what this extra vertebrae meant, just to insure that it wasn’t a sign of some deadly cancer or something. Turns out, per my googling, the earliest human beings had six lumbar vertebrae, but most people evolved to have only five....except for me apparently. Despite google’s report, I am evolving. I’ve grown from the painfully shy five year old girl who used to piss her pants because she was too shy to ask to go to the bathroom ( I thought the teacher would think I was bad for needing to go), to the (for the record-totally continent) 25 year old who finds herself cutting a rug in public settings 4 times over 2 days....I don’t know what God is up to with me lately but I think its prettttty fun! 

So, until next time....cut yourself some slack, lighten up....and get on down with your bad 5-vertebraed self! It’s so easy, even an cave woman (aka yours truly) can do it!

Feeling the rhythm of the night forever and always,

Sara