Sunday, August 28, 2011
Heavenly Confessions of a Muggle
Before I go any further, let me preface with a disclaimer: I am 100% Muggle. I am not psychic, I don’t see auras, and I don’t even get visions of what I’m going to have for dinner, much less the future. Nevertheless, I’ve seen things. Things that I’ve kept inside for a few years now and have only shared with those drunk or crazy enough not to judge me after the telling. But something has shifted within me lately where I’m now ready to come out of the spiritual closet; i’m ready to throw my tale out there for the world to judge. Actually “ready” is an understatement, as I feel like I pretty much have to or I’ll burst. Maybe someone out there needs to hear this and that’s why I suddenly feel pushed to open the floodgates and let ‘er rip. Anyway, I figure busting out with a story like this one is an easy way to find out who your real friends are ;)
Last week I had the very humbling experience of being called (well more specifically, paged through hospital pager) to help a long-term patient of mine comfortably transition from this life to the next. As I provided comfort measures, I glanced over at his family, and was taken aback as I saw reflections of my own family, two years prior, as we waited with my mom. I saw the uncertainty in their eyes, reflecting the confusing combo of wanting the gut-wrenching waiting to be over while simultaneously wanting anything but that. The emotions feel like the world’s worst break up meets up with motion sickness while having a hot date with starvation and then hooking up with exhaustion while getting amped up on Red Bull. It’s basically the emotional date from hell. In a glimpse at their faces, I remembered those emotions and the million questions I had at the time about how the whole dying and heaven thing was going to work. But then I glanced up at my patient’s eyes, and I saw something truly spectacular. (This is the part where I start to sound crazy). I saw, quite clearly in each of his half-open eyes, a perfectly shaped, glimmering little white star. My first impression was “oh damn, I forgot to turn the lights down low, I suck butt at comfort measure-izing”...but then I looked around and there was absolutely nothing emitting light that could be reflecting so perfectly in his eyes. As my comatose patient gave a half-smile, I realized what was happening. I later confirmed it with my co-worker who had witnessed this before in dying patients; my patient saw heaven and , furthermore, appeared to be pretty stoked about it.
Now, let’s rewind to two and a half years ago, to my experience of which this “starry” episode reminded me. Its 2 AM, April 4, 2009, and I’m on an air mattress in Palm City, Florida, deep in REM sleep. My mom is 45 minutes away in Hospice care, but the doctors had assured us that she would be with us a few more days, so we all went home to get some rest. All of a sudden, I am jolted out of my sleep by someone pushing me. It wasn’t a rude “jerk you’re on my side of the air mattress” push, but an eager push, similar to the excited shoves I would give my parents when they were sleeping in too late (ie past 6 am) on Christmas morning. I opened my eyes and glanced over at the air mattress next to me to see my boyfriend at the time snoozing away. I turned my head the other way to try and figure out who woke me up. All of a sudden, very clearly, I “saw” in my mind’s eye my mom standing at these beautiful large gates. She was waving at me, clearly very excited and eager to go inside, but holding herself back to make sure it was ok with me. She reminded me of a kid eager to get out of her parents car to meet up with friends to go into a kick-ass new theme park, but politely holding back to make sure it was still ok with the ones she was leaving behind and not taking with her. It felt like a daydream, but amped up to the point where it felt like reality. That being so, I gave a “go ahead, its ok” wave, and she excitedly went in. Afterwards, I laid there for a minute, wondering if I had dozed off just long enough to cause a crazy dream. Some minutes later, I heard my dad’s car pulling out of the driveway. Having no idea what time it was, I assumed that it was dawn and that he must have been unable to sleep and so was venturing down to Hospice early. I lay there a few more minutes, wondering when my brother would wake up so that we too could venture down. After a few minutes passed, the telephone rang. I rushed downstairs to the kitchen, thinking it was my dad calling to ask me to bring something he had forgotten. As I answered the phone, I simultaneously looked at the oven clock and realized it was 2 am. I half- listened as the funeral home employee on the other end notified me that he was on his way and would be correlating with the organ donation site for pick up of the remains. Suddenly I realized what had happened. My mom had woken me up to let me know that she was leaving. The situation was too coincidental and the timing was too perfect for it to be otherwise. I am so thankful that she did; otherwise the news would have been broken to me by a grumpy ,tired funeral home director. Apparently, my dad had received the call from Hospice on his cell phone and that was why he had left so early. But wow...that experience woke me up literally and spiritually...you can't come back the same from that. I initially wanted to tell everyone...and even did tell a few people, but after getting a few blank “you be crazy” stares, I realized that perhaps that story should be one I kept to myself for a while. So I did...until now.
After that whole experience, I admittedly get very frustrated with people who fear death and postpone it with cruel life-saving measures that deprive quality of life. I admit that I forget that a lot of people haven’t had experience with death to fully understand that it can be, if allowed, a very beautiful and peaceful process that is part of life. I can’t fear it anymore; not after seeing, twice now, the eagerness and peace with which people cross over. Because of that, I’ve come to realize that the mini-crises of each day is nothing in comparison to the joy that awaits us after the curtain closes. In the meantime, I hope to live my life in a way that will get me a fast-pass to God’s amusement park when it’s all said and done...so far, everyone I’ve met who’s peeked through the gates has looked pretty excited about it. My new life plan is to keep it real, even when it gets embarassing and people judge you for it...because in the wise words of Liz Lemon ...Heaven: “I want to go to there”.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Where's Waldo? ...he's making inappropriate boob jokes on his Segway
Yea yea, so I haven’t written in a while...what’s my excuse? Oh, you know... I’ve been doing the usual: show-stopping, keeping it real, riding Segways through downtown Chicago with my nipples showing...Oh,hey, I have a good idea...let’s be socially inappropriate and elaborate on that last one!
So, last month I went to Chicago to visit my dear friend ‘Amy Freakin’ Gomez’, and we went on a Segway tour of downtown Chicago, just like all the cool kids do. I’m not going to lie, in the back of my head, I was hoping that my Segway would really be a Transformer and I would go down in history as the girl that tore down Chicago Godzilla style...you know, if Godzilla were to wear a helmet. The day of the tour, being it July, I left A-Gomez’s house wearing a perfectly thermally-appropriate tank top. However, when we got off the train downtown, we found that the temperature had dropped like Tupac. So we went in the nearest store where I bought a sweater that looked like a wannabe “Waldo” costume. I didn’t care; I was nice and warm, but apparently stripes accentuate certain “regions” more so than my original solid shirt, so suddenly Chicago was going to get to know me a lot better than it may have bargained for. The city may have been dark and cold that day, but I was lighting the way.
Anyway, the point is....I don’t really have one. But, I did learn several lessons from what I call the “experience of riding a Segway in a helmet with your nips showing”....everyone should do it at least once. It is quite enlightening. Here is what I learned:
Lesson 1: “Do not look behind you. Do not look too far ahead...or you will eat shit”. Segways are harder than they look, mind you. You have to stay present and always, always , always keep your head up and aware of what is going on in the moment. If you look too far ahead and over-anticipate obstacles ahead, you are likely to miss what’s going on in the present and eat it. No really, you will. Someone in our party did. I’m not going to lie, it was hilarious. But it also looked painful. Don’t worry too much about what obstacles could be ahead...if they’re there, they’re there...the best you can do is keep your balance right now so you’ll be ready to hit them if and when they do come. And as far as looking behind you...do you want to die?
Lesson 2: “No matter how hard you try to speed things up, there is a speed limit”. Segways are capped out at 12mph;no matter what you do to try to go faster, 12 mph is it. I lost control of Megatron during the tour. I got cocky and wanted to go faster...up a hill. I almost ate it because the harder I pushed forward, the more I felt held back, and my balance got all wack-a-doo and I almost went down. I’m like that. I want the slow, boring ,uphill parts of life to be over faster, but what’s the rush really? Things don’t move faster just because I want them to; and when I get resistance, I just get frustrated, so I might as well just go with the flow. It all happens in divine, perfect timing, so why do I feel the need for speed all the time? Next thing I know, I could be speeding uncontrollably down-hill, reminiscing for the days when 12 mph just wasn’t fast enough...
Lesson 3: “Big Names Don’t Mean Crap”. My Segway really was named “Megatron.” There was also a Pluto, Ringo, and Piglet in our "fleet".. And you know what? Although mine tried to scare the other Transformers with its big name, it still only went 12 mph just like the rest of them. That reminds me of the time a few weeks back when I saw a big-wig neurosurgeon eating an ice cream cone, on the swings, in the park. No one really cared , at that moment, who he was or what he did. He was just another quirky guy eating a 49 cent McDonalds cone in the park with his golden retriever stalking him for crumbs. When it comes down to it, we are all just human, going through this human experience, no matter what our titles are.
Lesson 4: “Seriously, no one cares if your nipples are showing”...especially if they too are wearing a helmet. I was so conscious at first about people noticing this aspect of my, um, chilly situation. But, when it came down to it...they were also freezing, battling against the imbalances of their own Segway experience, trying to make it home before the storm, so they didn’t really give a damn. We spend so much time worrying about what other people may think...when in fact, we can’t stand to face that they really don’t care all that much. I mean really, even if people did notice, who do I think I am that they would remember even 10 minutes later? Most people are too busy worrying about themselves (and how stupid they look in a helmet). If they do, um “see through” you (if you will), if they notice too much it is just a reflection of their own insecurities, looking for weaknesses in other people to make themselves feel better. Have fun, nipples showing and all...because honestly, no one cares. And if they do, that’s their problem.
Lesson 5: “Sometimes, you just need a minute to laugh about this”...So, as I mentioned earlier, a member of our party went down...(and it was hilarious!!!) Amy and I were torn between needing to play the serious “ are you ok” card, while simultaneously feeling the need to bust our guts with laughter. So, we gave ourselves “one minute” to laugh about it non-stop while the victim was in the bathroom. Thankfully, the fallen soldier found it hilarious too, so we got to extend our “minute” to about 4 days...but nevertheless, sometimes you just need to laugh. Even if it is just for a minute....it makes all the difference. I guarantee you’ll forget that your nips are showing and that you look pretty ridiculous in a helmet.
So thats what I learned...not bad for a 90 minute tour. All in all, it was a titillating experience; we all made boobs out of ourselves, and had the breast time.
Waldo out,
Sara
So, last month I went to Chicago to visit my dear friend ‘Amy Freakin’ Gomez’, and we went on a Segway tour of downtown Chicago, just like all the cool kids do. I’m not going to lie, in the back of my head, I was hoping that my Segway would really be a Transformer and I would go down in history as the girl that tore down Chicago Godzilla style...you know, if Godzilla were to wear a helmet. The day of the tour, being it July, I left A-Gomez’s house wearing a perfectly thermally-appropriate tank top. However, when we got off the train downtown, we found that the temperature had dropped like Tupac. So we went in the nearest store where I bought a sweater that looked like a wannabe “Waldo” costume. I didn’t care; I was nice and warm, but apparently stripes accentuate certain “regions” more so than my original solid shirt, so suddenly Chicago was going to get to know me a lot better than it may have bargained for. The city may have been dark and cold that day, but I was lighting the way.
Anyway, the point is....I don’t really have one. But, I did learn several lessons from what I call the “experience of riding a Segway in a helmet with your nips showing”....everyone should do it at least once. It is quite enlightening. Here is what I learned:
Lesson 1: “Do not look behind you. Do not look too far ahead...or you will eat shit”. Segways are harder than they look, mind you. You have to stay present and always, always , always keep your head up and aware of what is going on in the moment. If you look too far ahead and over-anticipate obstacles ahead, you are likely to miss what’s going on in the present and eat it. No really, you will. Someone in our party did. I’m not going to lie, it was hilarious. But it also looked painful. Don’t worry too much about what obstacles could be ahead...if they’re there, they’re there...the best you can do is keep your balance right now so you’ll be ready to hit them if and when they do come. And as far as looking behind you...do you want to die?
Lesson 2: “No matter how hard you try to speed things up, there is a speed limit”. Segways are capped out at 12mph;no matter what you do to try to go faster, 12 mph is it. I lost control of Megatron during the tour. I got cocky and wanted to go faster...up a hill. I almost ate it because the harder I pushed forward, the more I felt held back, and my balance got all wack-a-doo and I almost went down. I’m like that. I want the slow, boring ,uphill parts of life to be over faster, but what’s the rush really? Things don’t move faster just because I want them to; and when I get resistance, I just get frustrated, so I might as well just go with the flow. It all happens in divine, perfect timing, so why do I feel the need for speed all the time? Next thing I know, I could be speeding uncontrollably down-hill, reminiscing for the days when 12 mph just wasn’t fast enough...
Lesson 3: “Big Names Don’t Mean Crap”. My Segway really was named “Megatron.” There was also a Pluto, Ringo, and Piglet in our "fleet".. And you know what? Although mine tried to scare the other Transformers with its big name, it still only went 12 mph just like the rest of them. That reminds me of the time a few weeks back when I saw a big-wig neurosurgeon eating an ice cream cone, on the swings, in the park. No one really cared , at that moment, who he was or what he did. He was just another quirky guy eating a 49 cent McDonalds cone in the park with his golden retriever stalking him for crumbs. When it comes down to it, we are all just human, going through this human experience, no matter what our titles are.
Lesson 4: “Seriously, no one cares if your nipples are showing”...especially if they too are wearing a helmet. I was so conscious at first about people noticing this aspect of my, um, chilly situation. But, when it came down to it...they were also freezing, battling against the imbalances of their own Segway experience, trying to make it home before the storm, so they didn’t really give a damn. We spend so much time worrying about what other people may think...when in fact, we can’t stand to face that they really don’t care all that much. I mean really, even if people did notice, who do I think I am that they would remember even 10 minutes later? Most people are too busy worrying about themselves (and how stupid they look in a helmet). If they do, um “see through” you (if you will), if they notice too much it is just a reflection of their own insecurities, looking for weaknesses in other people to make themselves feel better. Have fun, nipples showing and all...because honestly, no one cares. And if they do, that’s their problem.
Lesson 5: “Sometimes, you just need a minute to laugh about this”...So, as I mentioned earlier, a member of our party went down...(and it was hilarious!!!) Amy and I were torn between needing to play the serious “ are you ok” card, while simultaneously feeling the need to bust our guts with laughter. So, we gave ourselves “one minute” to laugh about it non-stop while the victim was in the bathroom. Thankfully, the fallen soldier found it hilarious too, so we got to extend our “minute” to about 4 days...but nevertheless, sometimes you just need to laugh. Even if it is just for a minute....it makes all the difference. I guarantee you’ll forget that your nips are showing and that you look pretty ridiculous in a helmet.
So thats what I learned...not bad for a 90 minute tour. All in all, it was a titillating experience; we all made boobs out of ourselves, and had the breast time.
Waldo out,
Sara
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