hold me closer tiny dancer

    Well friends, today marks the final day of my 40-day run devoted to an attitude of gratitude. I have to admit, I ventured off into the dirty world of complaining on more than one occasion, because, hey , life happens....but I try to make a conscious effort to get back to this grateful place as much as possible, so here I am.  I thought about making another final list filled of things I love as the "grand gratitude finale". However, as I sat down to write it out in my usual fashion, my mind ventured to what tomorrow marks for me. Tomorrow marks the anniversary of when I got the call that initiated my growing up process....and this brought my mind to what I am most grateful for...and that is you people. Not to downplay the value that red cherry slurpees have had in my life, as they have brought me to a happy place on more than one occasion, but, the amount of gratitude I feel for the people in my life is far too significant to sandwich between slurpees and sangrias. Therefore, I dedicate this blog to the thing I am most grateful for: to you, my friends. Even if we don't know each other that well, you found me somehow, so don't deny that we have some sort of connection. And if you don't roll your eyes at my writing, because this is pretty much me laid out there, I'd like to get to know you better, so go ahead and consider yourself a friend.
    I'd venture to say that very few people can identify the exact place and time that they grew up, or maybe it hasn't happened for them yet. I am far from being a "grown up", but I can tell you that the jolt that initiated the process for me happened on April 3, 2009 at about 3pm, and Dan Fogelberg "Longer" was playing in the background.
    As many of you know, April 1 was the day that my mom had a golf-ball sized aneurysm rupture (side note: aneurysm...why is it that something that has had such an impact on my life is still so damn hard to spell?) I'm not proud of it, but , after it happened,it took me an entire two days to get over myself and venture in to see her face to face. Up to that point, I could only make it to the outside of her hospital room. I was terrified of seeing the little whirling dervish of random fun energy I knew and loved in a vulnerable state. I was worried about myself and my memories of her.  But, like I said, I eventually got over myself and ventured in to see her for the first time on April 3.
    Around 3:00 in the afternoon, the music therapist and massage therapist came in to see us. The music therapist asked my dad what their wedding song was, and he told her Fogelberg "Longer". The music therapist began to play it and whoop there it was, my growing pains were initiated. That was the best and worst 3 minutes of my life. During the song, my dad ventured over to stand by me at my mom's bedside. We just kind of stared at my mom for a minute, in disbelief that we were there, in this place,  when suddenly my dad pulled me close by my shoulders, and for the first time in my 23 years, I saw my dad choke back tears. The way he hugged me was different than any other hug I'd ever experienced. Up to that point, all I knew was the semi-awkward, butt out kind that seemed to say "heeey we're dropping you off at college now and we're supposed to hug now but we know we'll see you again in five days because that roommate of yours looked realllly weird." Nope, this was different. It said "we're a team now." In that moment, I realized that there was more to the world than me....I was kicked out of my self-absorbed bubble and realized that there is more to people and situations than how they treat me and how they affect me.
     So, as cheesy as it is, from that moment I started to learn to love people. Sure, there are some real dicks that are introduced to me in my life. Like the crazy patient's grandmother who made it her business to be a total unbeliveable a-hole on a daily basis this week, or the bitchy PICU resident who talked to me like therapy was the taint of the hospital . But when it comes to it, I have to admit that those dickweeds have been fertilized by crappy experiences of their own; they just cope differently. Shit can make the best fertilizer or make you just reak...depends on what kind of plant you want to be. I don't necessarily love my interactions with these people; but I'm slowly learning to see them as experiences who make me appreciate the people that really matter in my life. Which means you.
    I've learned the value of true interactions and friendships. I love when people are just themselves and aren't afraid to pull you in close in a sign of mutual "needage." Ohhh friends, who know a shoulder squeeze could teach me so much. I'm here for you, but I know you're here for me too if I need you. That's what hugs are about....two people in a mutual "what up"ness, venturing on this life thing together. Its ok, you don't have to hug me, I 'll still know you love me, and I love you too!
Thank you for being a friend (or considering becoming one),
Sara

i may not be the worst or the best, but you've got to respect my honesty!

If facebook was real life and there was an App entitled "Slackerville", I'd be its best player lately. I don't know what I've been doing with my life this month; I haven't even been good about keeping up with the things I enjoy, like exercising my dog, or keeping fresh flowers in my house, or writing these blog things. I'm not proud of it, but the month of March has been a blur of work, McDonalds drive thrus, and naps on the couch. I didn't even really realize that I was going down that slippery slope that leads one towards a guest appearance on the Dr Phil show (ok, that's an exaggeration, but I didn't even have enough energy this month to put forth a good effort to being a slacker so I could at least get 15 minutes of fame out of it)....until this weekend. This may come as a surprise to many, as I am totally not random....or weird....(ha), but  I did something random and weird; I went on a retreat where I wasn't allowed to talk for a full 52 hours. Well, I was quiet for the most part .. let's just say I guess God knew what He was doing by putting  nobody in the rooms surrounding mine, as I caught myself singing Usher in the shower and exclaiming "mother f***er" when I  ran smack into a wall (those walls always jump out of no where in front of me).  Silence is a virtue....until Usher comes on the radio that's in my head, then I have to bust a move and scream it out louder.

    So anyway, at this retreat, I had a surprising experience. I think I expected to just get away, sunbathe by the river a lot, and have God cover me with a tan and a peaceful blanket of warm fuzzy "you're awesomes" ...well, I did sunbathe by a lot of rivers and waterfalls, and I did come away with a sense of solid peace...however, the means to which I got that feeling was a bit surprising. God didn't just let me fall asleep while the miracle fairy came and sprinkled me with pesticide-free peace dust. Nope...God worked my ass out.  I was confronted with several epiphanies about myself , and I didn't necessary like a lot of them...but as I worked through them, I came to realize several truths about my life, and ultimately got to that place of peace. I guess it was a blessing, because if I had to work so damn hard to get it, I think it'll have a longer shelf-life than if I were to just be given an easy freebie. Oh that God guy, he's funny....one day I hope to have humor that is as surprising as His. 

    One of the things I realized about myself is that I'm greedy. I was a little bit offended when this notion first came into my head. I mean, I never take the last piece of candy out of the jar, I share, I give my time and energy to people all the time (insert excuses raised to the tenth power here, because I could go all night)... But, deep down, I knew it was true. As I sat in that place, surrounded by some incredible people in an incredibly beautiful place....I felt so extraordinarily loved and comforted I could have crapped rainbows. So, with all this, you know what I did next? I asked God for more. No, "asked" is too gentle a term; I petitioned him. "But so and so has this, and so and so has that...what did they do that I didn't? Don't you love me....geeeez"....I focused on the few things in my life that I lack right now. Stupid things that deep down, when I get to the core of my true spirit, I don't even really care about . Things like a down payment on a house, a new car, a hot date Friday night. And that still small voice inside of me, that I've heard is God, said "I love you, but you're being kind of an asshole right now."  So, I need to re-boot, re-load and re-focus on my blessings. I did, after all, make a promise to myself (and to anyone who happens to care) that I would focus on blessings this month. I learned a bunch of other stuff that I can't wait to write about , but in the meantime, bear with me and let's continue do the damn thang.

Because I didn't do anything last week, I'll do my make up work, and so here's 81 blessings: (40x2= 81 apparently)

1) I'm still thankful for the 157 things listed in previous posts ....(I don't want to be accused of cheating on this one, which is why I've added the extra, thus rendering 81)

2) Blogs... I get to force my means of creative outlet upon the world....for free!

3) CS Lewis quotes....every time I read something by him, I scratch my head and go "gee , golly, he's right"

4) Progress- although I don't particularly enjoy the extra paperwork that comes with the territory of having to update goals, I do get satisfaction out of writing "GOAL MET" for a patient

5) Retreats away from the hum-drum of life (what exactly does one do on these retreats? Stay tuned for future episodes to find out...)

6) Those mornings I randomly wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed and ready to roll

7) Those mornings where I am woken up just before my alarm goes off by a bird outside, or my dog doing his "I need to poop" dance....although waking up isn't fun, it is much more pleasant in these manners than through the obnoxiousness of my alarm clock

8)sunshiney spots , especially when you are in a dark shady area

9) nice toilet paper in unexpected places...its the simple things. I had to stop by a gas station after driving 10 hours...and they had nice ,quality, 3-ply toilet paper. There was no uncomfortable chafing, no risk for poke thrus....wow, thanks for caring!

10) Red birds...I think its so cool how they come out all red and flashy, often in the dead of winter. Nobody gonna rain on their red parade

11) Waterfalls...I know I shouldn't go chasing them, and I am also thankful for

12) the Rivers and lakes that I'm used to

13) Those times I gotta have it my way or nothing at all (and I get my way)..........

14) Randomness....did I tell you last week we found the nude beach portion of Fort Desoto? It was funny...If you can't laugh at a morbidly obese man laying on his stomach where his fat balls are poking through his butt, you've got issues....or maybe I do....

15) Confederate roses....b-e-a utiful!

16) Pure souls....last week I literally caught my land lord moving an ant pile because she didn't want the poor little ants to be at risk for getting stepped on...aww Raaaaandy!

17)Paper birch trees....I've always thought it's cool how they don't have bark. It's like they're saying "I'm big, I'm naked, and I don't care!" Kinda like that guy mentioned in #14

18)Seeing random beach weddings....its nice to be able to witness another's happiness, without all the hassle of being involved

19) Spring! 

20) That big ass moon that was out the past two nights

21) Feelings of peace

22) Lumpy, warm, salty, buttery mashed potatoes....mmmmm

23) I like the shape of the cross...no matter what your religious belief is, it's a cool shape. Maybe i'm overthinking this, but you've got the vertical axis going to heaven, the horizontal axis that is like earth, and they meet in the middle. And they are shaped kinda like a human, a little bit of heaven and a little bit of earth....I'm a dork but I think that's a cool image

24) Double rainbows....I used to see rainbows, and even many double rainbows, every single time I would drive home to see my dad within the first month after my mom died, it was pretty cool

25) Random signs of life in the midst of death (I hand-wrote this one down this weekend....when I wrote it I was looking at this random bright flowery purple tree in full bloom standing randomly amongst a bunch of dead trees) I wanna be like that tree...

26) Well-taken care of trails in the woods...its nice to be able to be among nature without having to worry about busting ass....however....

27) I also like going off the beaten path. And I am thankful for when I do so and get totally lost, the feeling of getting my bearings... the "ohhhh, IIIII know where I am" moment

28) Those days when I make bad decisions, like going to get martinis on a Tuesday night, and get like 3 hours of sleep, yet wake up the next day feeling freakishly refreshed

29) The times when I realize that a healing has occured in my life without my even realizing it. example: I read my journal from exactly one year ago...at this time last year I was worried about getting kicked out of acute care because my productivity wasn't high enough....hahahahahaha. Now I am full-time acute and could use another 2 hours in each day to fully accomplish all I need to get done

30) The feeling of getting really dirty....although I kill them once their planted, i like getting my hands all top-soily

31) Showers after getting really really dirty. Is it weird that I consider doing one of those Muddy Buddy races, just so I can experience the pure ecstasy of the shower afterwards?

32) I love people who like themselves....it is so refreshing and uplifting to be around people who are comfortable in their own skin and don't require constant validation from other people....these people are usually a lot of fun because they just don't care... Its ok, be yourself, we're all freaks here. I'll like you if you like you

33) I like communion....I especially like it Methodist style where you don't all have to drink out of the same cup as people you don't know. I don't know, something that ritual just grounds me and puts things in perspective again for a while...its a good monthly "check up" that I like 

34) Although I strive to be totally and completely like #32, I'm a work in progress, so I am thankful for those times of random validation from random people. (I originally hand-wrote this one, and it was right after this lady I've talked to only once just randomly walked up to me and hugged me out of nowhere. It should have felt weird, but it didn't for some reason. I like that she was comfortable enough in her own skin to walk up and hug a stranger...that takes bigger cahones than the guy in #14)

35) The feeling of going barefoot on really plush carpet

36) Sliding in socks across hardwood floors; it's fun

37) Ankle socks. Its a beautiful thing...any lower than that and my foot would become a totally exposed pedi-slut, or would get a toe wedgie. Any higher and I would require some roll-down action which I don't like...I'm trying to give off the athletic vibe here, and any rolling-down happenings takes away from that. I like the ankle sock...it makes me more athletic

38) Woodpeckers. I see a lot of them lately. I like how they are so small but can make a big noise unto the world

39) Hope

40) Hot pants. Literally. I like putting on pants fresh out of the dryer

41) Fresh sheets

42) Stained glass mosaics, very pretty

43) I am thankful that I found a jeweler that can fix the stained glass cross necklace my mom got me ....ok this hasn't exactly happened yet, but it is going to!

44) Random (live)deer sightings (not dead)

45) When I can successfully surrender stuff....I should do this more often because look what happened in  #29 when I did so without even realizing it

46) i like that my dog is dumb and loves everybody...to the point where it makes it kind of embarassing at times. ex: when he walks up to the random stranger and licks them on the leg....but it makes him quite endearing, in a special way

47) The song "You Raise me Up"....even when I'm just jack assing around and singing it in my best worst Susan Boyle voice, it puts me in a better mood

48) Otters....they are so playful and so cute. I once decided I liked these guys so much that I asked my parents for a ferret

49) I had parents that loved me enough, and were crazy enough, to let us have ferrets....and dogs....and chickens....and ducks....and pigs....

50) Soft mushy-center cookies

51) Gazebos....you get to experience the outdoors while being sheltered from the elements. Who can experience anxiety in a gazebo? I also like the word guh-zeee-bow

52) This quote: "People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in , their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within".....which is why I want to get my stained glass cross fixed...it reminds me of this truth

53)Curb your enthusiasm

54) The office

55) Smart asses (sometimes I feel obnoxious....so I like experiencing others that are the same)

56) River dancing, its fun to imitate. Particularly in socks on hardwood floors

57) In summary of 36 and 56, I am thankful that I live in a sweet place with hardwood floors

58) Psalm 127: 1 ....I am not one to memorize scripture well. But when I'm beating my head against the wall, which I do often, I come back to this one and it helps me out. The Sara Vinci translation: if you're not meant to be doing this, stop it. 

59) I'll admit it, I like Glee

60) red barns, I just like them

61) watching Buddy herd cows at Alapattah Flats...its almost like knows what he's doing, and its entertaining

62) 25 , almost 26 years old and cavity free!

63) electric toothbrushes!

64) really hard tooth enamel!

65) when I drop something that really should break but it doesn't (yea...that just happened)

66) I made it this far in my life, doing stupid things like popping wheelies and jack-knifing wagons going full speed down hills, mexican snowboarding, and sometimes riding in the car without my seat belt on

67) leather couches

68) although i talked a big game, I am glad I didn't break my wrist. Although a lime green cast would have been pretty sweet....but I had fun and I'll do it again

69) laughter, its a fantabulous medicine

70) i care enough about myself to try to become a better person 

71) family and friends who support me , even when I'm visiting slackerville

72) But, when I do visit slackerville, can you believe that Mickey D's apple pies are 2 for only $1? That's such an obese blessing, on so many levels

73) I love apple pie

74) Speed hump signs...I think they are funny. Whenever I go over one I say to myself "1-2-3 aaaaand I love you"....just for dumb entertainment

75)southern accents, remind me of home and miss janet

76) College....oh good times

77) high school is over with, and I never have to go back

78) Subway American cheese

79) SNL episodes that don't suck

80) the feeling of going fast on a boat. I don't experience this near often enough, but when I think of freedom, this is the image that pops in my head

81) People who stick around long enough to 81...cuz this was a long-ass post!

Good bye friends, have a blessed week!

your loving brat

thanks a latte

 In the spirit of last week's post....I'm keeping up with the attitude of gratitude...so you party people are just gonna have to put up with me for the next 30 days and suck up my sunshine and rainbows. If you got any problems, I suggest that you go to your local convenience store and get a life. There's just something about this time of year that makes me so happy for all that I have, and my cup runneth over. Thanks for being a part of it.

love,

sara

Forty More Things I am Thankful For...

1) Salty air breezes

2) Guacamole 

3) The feeling you get the moment that someone really annoying leaves your presence....leading me to #4

4) My new "Bite Me" shirt I'm currently wearing. Harmless, as its just a tank top with a half bitten strawberry on it, yet so fun to wear around certain individuals and secretely mean it. 

5) Sangria slurpees (proof God loves me and wants me to be happy)

6) Grilled cheese (thanks Jedi for reminding me that God loves me so much that He provided His only begotten heavenly sandwich, Grilled Cheezus)

7) I survived the great Hot Tamale debacle....hooooly crap.

8) Coworkers who I can laugh with about the Hot Tamale debacle...woo hoo death row! (seriously girls, I would kill myself if I worked in a department where the topic of conversation went "ohhh my god, you got your wrap without tomatoes too! Sooooo funny." No , Im sorry, that is not funny. I can't even force a LOL in my mouth about wraps with or without tomatoes. Cucumbers aren't funny either.
.....there was a 3 hour hiatus between #8 and #9 becaaaaaause....
9) random wine drinking sessions on the back porch with my 86 year old landlord where she feeds me and trys to get me drunk, and talks to me about life
10) those times where I am clearly speeding and drive by a cop...and obviously should get pulled over but instead give a little "what up"wave and look in the rearview mirror to discover NO blue flashing lights... word to ya mother
11) bubble baths
12) Chronicles of Narnia (+10 nerd points, but its a good series)
13)Discovering that things I previously couldn't stand actually really don't suck....I just ate a quiche and liked it. what the...I literally puked off a quiche in 2nd grade because it tasted like ass and catfood...it's like I don't even know me anymore!
14) My recent discovery of the legging...am I commando? am I thong? am I just granny panty covered by an oversized shirt? the world may never know...but shiiiiiiit... im comfortable
15) The song Amazing Grace....there's just something about it
16) My sexy hunk of metal Ravvy....10 years and 145, 500 miles later and we're still in love with very few problems (knock on wood)
17) The feeling of making it to the gas station after the gas light has been on a wee bit too long
18) a good chai latte
19) unexpected funny moments from normally quiet people (tomato comments in #8 definitely don't count)
20) My special needs neighbor Ellen...gosh some good stories comes out of this commune because of her presence in my life. She's 80 something and wears a bathing suit 365 days of the year. And, when she can't find her bathingsuit, she goes naked (sitting in her chair by the Vinoy golf course...classic)
21) Unexpected good life lessons from unexpected sources (often stemming from #9)
22) My grandpa's olives
23) Unexpected cards in mail
24) My broken brain/mouth censor...both a blessing and a curse. But I'm having fun
25) Live music
26) Friendly people who have no problem being "real" no matter their status in the world (neurosurgeon, garbage man...whatever, we're all friends here)
27) Late night Target runs status post World of Beer
28) tortellini soup
29) potentially socially awkward situations that end up being kinda fun
30) drinking anything out of a wine glass, it makes me feel so sophisticated
31) Sushi
32) the color green
33) the smell of orange blossoms in the air
34) the serenity of the highway 70 drive home...it lets me lose my mind in a good way
35)orchids
36) being warm
37)those days when it rains all day but manages not to really rain on my way in or out of work ...for I usually forget my umbrella and refuse to take the shuttle bus with wet-smelling people
38) automatic faucets that actually work so I dont feel like the dumbass who can't wash her hands
39) peace signs....its the hippie in me
40) I am still thankful for you Mr//Ms I Care Enough to Read All the way to #40


Damn, that felt good. Try it sometime....betcha you'll feel just a little bit sunshiney afterwards! This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine, aint gonna let nobody poop it out

your loving home slice,
the Vince