So anyway, at this retreat, I had a surprising experience. I think I expected to just get away, sunbathe by the river a lot, and have God cover me with a tan and a peaceful blanket of warm fuzzy "you're awesomes" ...well, I did sunbathe by a lot of rivers and waterfalls, and I did come away with a sense of solid peace...however, the means to which I got that feeling was a bit surprising. God didn't just let me fall asleep while the miracle fairy came and sprinkled me with pesticide-free peace dust. Nope...God worked my ass out. I was confronted with several epiphanies about myself , and I didn't necessary like a lot of them...but as I worked through them, I came to realize several truths about my life, and ultimately got to that place of peace. I guess it was a blessing, because if I had to work so damn hard to get it, I think it'll have a longer shelf-life than if I were to just be given an easy freebie. Oh that God guy, he's funny....one day I hope to have humor that is as surprising as His.
One of the things I realized about myself is that I'm greedy. I was a little bit offended when this notion first came into my head. I mean, I never take the last piece of candy out of the jar, I share, I give my time and energy to people all the time (insert excuses raised to the tenth power here, because I could go all night)... But, deep down, I knew it was true. As I sat in that place, surrounded by some incredible people in an incredibly beautiful place....I felt so extraordinarily loved and comforted I could have crapped rainbows. So, with all this, you know what I did next? I asked God for more. No, "asked" is too gentle a term; I petitioned him. "But so and so has this, and so and so has that...what did they do that I didn't? Don't you love me....geeeez"....I focused on the few things in my life that I lack right now. Stupid things that deep down, when I get to the core of my true spirit, I don't even really care about . Things like a down payment on a house, a new car, a hot date Friday night. And that still small voice inside of me, that I've heard is God, said "I love you, but you're being kind of an asshole right now." So, I need to re-boot, re-load and re-focus on my blessings. I did, after all, make a promise to myself (and to anyone who happens to care) that I would focus on blessings this month. I learned a bunch of other stuff that I can't wait to write about , but in the meantime, bear with me and let's continue do the damn thang.
Because I didn't do anything last week, I'll do my make up work, and so here's 81 blessings: (40x2= 81 apparently)
1) I'm still thankful for the 157 things listed in previous posts ....(I don't want to be accused of cheating on this one, which is why I've added the extra, thus rendering 81)
2) Blogs... I get to force my means of creative outlet upon the world....for free!
3) CS Lewis quotes....every time I read something by him, I scratch my head and go "gee , golly, he's right"
4) Progress- although I don't particularly enjoy the extra paperwork that comes with the territory of having to update goals, I do get satisfaction out of writing "GOAL MET" for a patient
5) Retreats away from the hum-drum of life (what exactly does one do on these retreats? Stay tuned for future episodes to find out...)
6) Those mornings I randomly wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed and ready to roll
7) Those mornings where I am woken up just before my alarm goes off by a bird outside, or my dog doing his "I need to poop" dance....although waking up isn't fun, it is much more pleasant in these manners than through the obnoxiousness of my alarm clock
8)sunshiney spots , especially when you are in a dark shady area
9) nice toilet paper in unexpected places...its the simple things. I had to stop by a gas station after driving 10 hours...and they had nice ,quality, 3-ply toilet paper. There was no uncomfortable chafing, no risk for poke thrus....wow, thanks for caring!
10) Red birds...I think its so cool how they come out all red and flashy, often in the dead of winter. Nobody gonna rain on their red parade
11) Waterfalls...I know I shouldn't go chasing them, and I am also thankful for
12) the Rivers and lakes that I'm used to
13) Those times I gotta have it my way or nothing at all (and I get my way)..........
14) Randomness....did I tell you last week we found the nude beach portion of Fort Desoto? It was funny...If you can't laugh at a morbidly obese man laying on his stomach where his fat balls are poking through his butt, you've got issues....or maybe I do....
15) Confederate roses....b-e-a utiful!
16) Pure souls....last week I literally caught my land lord moving an ant pile because she didn't want the poor little ants to be at risk for getting stepped on...aww Raaaaandy!
17)Paper birch trees....I've always thought it's cool how they don't have bark. It's like they're saying "I'm big, I'm naked, and I don't care!" Kinda like that guy mentioned in #14
18)Seeing random beach weddings....its nice to be able to witness another's happiness, without all the hassle of being involved
19) Spring!
20) That big ass moon that was out the past two nights
21) Feelings of peace
22) Lumpy, warm, salty, buttery mashed potatoes....mmmmm
23) I like the shape of the cross...no matter what your religious belief is, it's a cool shape. Maybe i'm overthinking this, but you've got the vertical axis going to heaven, the horizontal axis that is like earth, and they meet in the middle. And they are shaped kinda like a human, a little bit of heaven and a little bit of earth....I'm a dork but I think that's a cool image
24) Double rainbows....I used to see rainbows, and even many double rainbows, every single time I would drive home to see my dad within the first month after my mom died, it was pretty cool
25) Random signs of life in the midst of death (I hand-wrote this one down this weekend....when I wrote it I was looking at this random bright flowery purple tree in full bloom standing randomly amongst a bunch of dead trees) I wanna be like that tree...
26) Well-taken care of trails in the woods...its nice to be able to be among nature without having to worry about busting ass....however....
27) I also like going off the beaten path. And I am thankful for when I do so and get totally lost, the feeling of getting my bearings... the "ohhhh, IIIII know where I am" moment
28) Those days when I make bad decisions, like going to get martinis on a Tuesday night, and get like 3 hours of sleep, yet wake up the next day feeling freakishly refreshed
29) The times when I realize that a healing has occured in my life without my even realizing it. example: I read my journal from exactly one year ago...at this time last year I was worried about getting kicked out of acute care because my productivity wasn't high enough....hahahahahaha. Now I am full-time acute and could use another 2 hours in each day to fully accomplish all I need to get done
30) The feeling of getting really dirty....although I kill them once their planted, i like getting my hands all top-soily
31) Showers after getting really really dirty. Is it weird that I consider doing one of those Muddy Buddy races, just so I can experience the pure ecstasy of the shower afterwards?
32) I love people who like themselves....it is so refreshing and uplifting to be around people who are comfortable in their own skin and don't require constant validation from other people....these people are usually a lot of fun because they just don't care... Its ok, be yourself, we're all freaks here. I'll like you if you like you
33) I like communion....I especially like it Methodist style where you don't all have to drink out of the same cup as people you don't know. I don't know, something that ritual just grounds me and puts things in perspective again for a while...its a good monthly "check up" that I like
34) Although I strive to be totally and completely like #32, I'm a work in progress, so I am thankful for those times of random validation from random people. (I originally hand-wrote this one, and it was right after this lady I've talked to only once just randomly walked up to me and hugged me out of nowhere. It should have felt weird, but it didn't for some reason. I like that she was comfortable enough in her own skin to walk up and hug a stranger...that takes bigger cahones than the guy in #14)
35) The feeling of going barefoot on really plush carpet
36) Sliding in socks across hardwood floors; it's fun
37) Ankle socks. Its a beautiful thing...any lower than that and my foot would become a totally exposed pedi-slut, or would get a toe wedgie. Any higher and I would require some roll-down action which I don't like...I'm trying to give off the athletic vibe here, and any rolling-down happenings takes away from that. I like the ankle sock...it makes me more athletic
38) Woodpeckers. I see a lot of them lately. I like how they are so small but can make a big noise unto the world
39) Hope
40) Hot pants. Literally. I like putting on pants fresh out of the dryer
41) Fresh sheets
42) Stained glass mosaics, very pretty
43) I am thankful that I found a jeweler that can fix the stained glass cross necklace my mom got me ....ok this hasn't exactly happened yet, but it is going to!
44) Random (live)deer sightings (not dead)
45) When I can successfully surrender stuff....I should do this more often because look what happened in #29 when I did so without even realizing it
46) i like that my dog is dumb and loves everybody...to the point where it makes it kind of embarassing at times. ex: when he walks up to the random stranger and licks them on the leg....but it makes him quite endearing, in a special way
47) The song "You Raise me Up"....even when I'm just jack assing around and singing it in my best worst Susan Boyle voice, it puts me in a better mood
48) Otters....they are so playful and so cute. I once decided I liked these guys so much that I asked my parents for a ferret
49) I had parents that loved me enough, and were crazy enough, to let us have ferrets....and dogs....and chickens....and ducks....and pigs....
50) Soft mushy-center cookies
51) Gazebos....you get to experience the outdoors while being sheltered from the elements. Who can experience anxiety in a gazebo? I also like the word guh-zeee-bow
52) This quote: "People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in , their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within".....which is why I want to get my stained glass cross fixed...it reminds me of this truth
53)Curb your enthusiasm
54) The office
55) Smart asses (sometimes I feel obnoxious....so I like experiencing others that are the same)
56) River dancing, its fun to imitate. Particularly in socks on hardwood floors
57) In summary of 36 and 56, I am thankful that I live in a sweet place with hardwood floors
58) Psalm 127: 1 ....I am not one to memorize scripture well. But when I'm beating my head against the wall, which I do often, I come back to this one and it helps me out. The Sara Vinci translation: if you're not meant to be doing this, stop it.
59) I'll admit it, I like Glee
60) red barns, I just like them
61) watching Buddy herd cows at Alapattah Flats...its almost like knows what he's doing, and its entertaining
62) 25 , almost 26 years old and cavity free!
63) electric toothbrushes!
64) really hard tooth enamel!
65) when I drop something that really should break but it doesn't (yea...that just happened)
66) I made it this far in my life, doing stupid things like popping wheelies and jack-knifing wagons going full speed down hills, mexican snowboarding, and sometimes riding in the car without my seat belt on
67) leather couches
68) although i talked a big game, I am glad I didn't break my wrist. Although a lime green cast would have been pretty sweet....but I had fun and I'll do it again
69) laughter, its a fantabulous medicine
70) i care enough about myself to try to become a better person
71) family and friends who support me , even when I'm visiting slackerville
72) But, when I do visit slackerville, can you believe that Mickey D's apple pies are 2 for only $1? That's such an obese blessing, on so many levels
73) I love apple pie
74) Speed hump signs...I think they are funny. Whenever I go over one I say to myself "1-2-3 aaaaand I love you"....just for dumb entertainment
75)southern accents, remind me of home and miss janet
76) College....oh good times
77) high school is over with, and I never have to go back
78) Subway American cheese
79) SNL episodes that don't suck
80) the feeling of going fast on a boat. I don't experience this near often enough, but when I think of freedom, this is the image that pops in my head
81) People who stick around long enough to 81...cuz this was a long-ass post!
Good bye friends, have a blessed week!
your loving brat
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